OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
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Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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