i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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