he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
