My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
