you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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