You can't motorboat a personality
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
