My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
