Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
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She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
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I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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