the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This is my gift to your gina
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
