I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina