listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
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I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?