I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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