hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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