u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
