Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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