i would punch a child for taco bell
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
