You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
