I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
