I'm pants shitting drunk right now
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
