My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
