Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
