Your mouth is God's brothel.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
