I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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