How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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