I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
