I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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