you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
And then my night got REAL pukey
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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