honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
