she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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