Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
