Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
