The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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