You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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