My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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