bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
