forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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