Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
