I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
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We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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