i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
