Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Come share oat with me in your robe
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize