uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
