I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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