The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
