she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
