Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My cat gives me a boner
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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