You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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