I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
