he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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