my mouth tastes like poor choices
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
