My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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