Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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