i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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