this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
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Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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