Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
