I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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