I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
