Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
