i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
