I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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