best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
